Cyrus Broacha's column for the WSD newsletter

A household name in India, MTV’s popular VJ has some very original views on street dogs.

A dog’s ravings as interpreted by Cyrus Broacha.

Oh dear, poor WSD newsletter. I was supposed to send in a column 2 weeks ago (in doggie time that is 21 ½ weeks) but unfortunately my commitments kept me away. You see, I am attending a meeting of the WDA, commonly known as the World Dogs Association.

The meeting, thanks to our sponsors(a corporate that makes leashes for humans, so they don’t get misled, a common enough human behavioural trait) is being held in the northern climes of Austria. Austria is one of the most advanced human states in the world. At present, all human-run states fall into 3 categories: Uncivilised, Semi-civilised, and Bloody well civilised.

An uncivilised state imposes severe restrictions on dogs, as is prevalent in parts of India. A semi-civilised state imposes limited restrictions on dogs. And a bloody well civilised state is one like Austria, where dogs, often accompanied by strains of Mozart, are allowed everywhere.

It is now up to the rest of the world to follow this lead. Although the way humans treat fellow humans, there is a greater chance of Michael Jackson having an adult conversation, than there is of a dog estriction-free society..

At the meeting, we decided to correct a few phrases which have been damaging my species’ credibility. Here’s what we’ve come up with:

(a) “Dog eat dog world.” This is a lie. A theory that doesn’t exist. Dogs don’t eat dogs. And very seldom kill fellow dogs. However, there are enough human societies that kill and eat fellow humans. Often without any accompanying salad dressing. The phrase henceforth should read: “Even more disgusting human eats disgusting human in disgusting human world.” It may not sound catchy, but one is distracted by all those monuments in Vienna. A case of too much monument, too little pee!

(b) “Work like a dog.” Crap! Absolute rubbish. We dogs don’t believe in the concept. We have far more important things to do than spend our lives working, pulling others down, and realistically achieving little. If humans spent more time frolicking, rolling on the grass, and smelling each other’s bottoms, the world would be a safer place. The phrase should read, “Work boringly like a human.” I know. I know. Again, blame the monuments.

(c) “It’s a dog’s life.” Left alone, we have great lives, thank you. It’s only when rabid (excuse the pun) humans run us over, or campaign to have us killed, or go out of their way to kick us, or refuse to share their food, having robbed us of ours, it’s only then that a dog’s life becomes threatened. Correctly, it should be, “A dog’s life because of disgusting human presence.”

Enough gupshup. I have to return to the meeting, but first I have a little business to attend to under a lovely statue of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. After all, we’re in no hurry. Who wants to get caught in the human race?