Cyrus Broacha's column for the WSD newsletter

A household name in India, MTV’s popular VJ has some very original views on street dogs.

A dog’s ravings as interpreted by Cyrus Broacha.

Yah! Yah! I got 259 reminders to fill in my piece for your newsletter. But I’m a busy dog. The last two weeks have been frenetic. The stray dog police, you can tell who they are as they accept food from anyone, finally caught Rattu the rubber tie, who’s been causing more destruction than Harbhajan Singh on a turning track.

Since I like Abodh, your editor or maybe editor’s friend, a lot, I thought I’d find some time between my busy schedule of scratching, itching, rubbing and then scratching again to write this piece. A word about Abodh, first he’s looking terrible with more than 70% of bones showing. If any more show, it won’t be long before we start chasing him! He’s what we call a stray’s stray in our parlance. That’s a dog that’s so thin, he makes your average stray appear to be a fat cat. If the comparison sounds confusing, it’s just because we animals like to plug for each other, not like you humans who kill each other over Coke and Pepsi. Colas which I may add taste worse than my first husband’s vomit, which believe me I had to endure for far too long. I was thinking, a practice you humans stopped since about the time Madhubala’s career ended and the Beatles called it a day. We dogs have far less demands than you human creatures. I mean look at you guys. The Americans want Iraq. Iraq wants Kuwait and friends, Pakistan wants more terrorists. India encourages fascism. Africa is a mess. Eastern Europe is too frightening to pee in, and China well let’s say they’ve not always been into man’s best friend. We dogs on the other hand, have far fewer demands.

Recently we were kicked out of gardens in Malabar Hill. Kicked out of soil we helped to regenerate. It’s even worse for the dogs trapped with humans. If they don’t get their exercise, we homeless dogs get no joy in chasing them. You see if they’re unfit they’ll never outrun us and then there will be no fun in the game. It would be like Real Madrid playing a football match against Parsee Gymkhana. So give us back our land. Do something constructive with your time, invade another country and bother “your fellow” humans. Our gardens are small and chaste for you “great humans.” Oh yes and another thing, a chap called Toga something or the other keeps making speeches linking dogs to certain politicians. Please, please, stop this evil ractice. We are faithful, loyal and protective and fun-loving. How about highlighting that in your speeches, instead of dragging our name down to the level of politicians….Anyway all this talk is getting me worked up. I need to drain that bladder, I hope Mr. Mehra’s car is parked in the same place. I love those radials. Chew on my piece you human folk, and feel free to send me your comments on my email, which alas I don’t have. You see my office was in Hanging Gardens, and I’ve spent a lot of money redecorating it, hopefully, with your help I’ll get it back. As usual.