Cyrus Broacha's column for the WSD newsletter

A household name in India, MTV’s popular VJ has some very original views on street dogs.

A dog’s ravings as interpreted by Cyrus Broacha.

Friends, canines, countrymen, lend me your ears, and this time it’s not for scratching. Actually let me introduce myself. My name is Kala Kutta, and I’m filling in for the award-winning regular columnist, my second cousin twice removed from shelter, Raasta Kutta.

Raasta has gone on correctional leave. This time her correctional duty is in the Walt Disney Theme parks in America. For far too long, Disney has subjected animals to disproportionately large heads. While large heads on small bodies are fine, they are completely incorrect for aesthetically superior creatures such as all other animals barring slugs and Michael Jackson.

However, back to me. I’m in the middle of a lawsuit against a scotch whisky company in well Scoland. You won’t believe the cheek of these men in skirts. They’ve gone and named a whisky after me (kala kutta a.k.a. Black Dog) and they haven’t paid me a small peg in royalties! However I owe Kala Kutta for introducing me to this gorgeous blonde retriever last August, so it’s payback time. Now although the breeding season is a few months away, I’m what you might call an early investor. We dogs are polygamous, but unlike you polygamous humans, we don’t pretend to be monogamous. Of course our great ancestor the wolf is more monagamous, but he lived in a time before the birth of your species, killer humans, and thus his was a time when all simple animal folk could happily adopt cultured practices without fear they may die at human hands before the next breeding season.

So I’d like to take this opportunity to tell all the females out there that I’m available. A word about myself. Like the name says I’m jet-black and I’m basically a cross between a black lab and a roving rottweiler, with a little bit of brown cocker spaniel tinged with some corgi and laced with two pints of German Shepherd. The last can be observed in the shape of my ear. Basically ladies I’m a bit of an egotist, but truth be told I’m Goddamn sexy. So if you’re a nice lady who wants to meet me, just catch me at the bottom of this newsletter. By which I mean the email, dear female. Oh yes and one more thing I hope you all voted in the man’s election, because if we don’t raise our paws and voice our barks, who’s going to make sure we don’t live a dog’s life? Not humans that’s for sure. Enuffsaid ladies. I’m feeling all shook up. Call me.