Cyrus Broacha's column for the WSD newsletter

A household name in India, MTV’s popular VJ has some very original views on street dogs.

A dog’s ravings as interpreted by Cyrus Broacha.

Let’s face it. Human beings suck. They’re just no use. I mean. What kind of animal walks around on two legs, wears some other animal’s leather around his waist, has fake hind leg endings and shaves? Only a damn son of a being! OK, maybe I’m going too fast. Let me start again. My name is Sandy, short for Sandeshi Ankleswar. I’m what you animals call a dog.

Since you are a bunch of racist, casteist community things, let me fit myself right in by saying, I’m brown in colour, part cocker, part dobe, part Hungarian hound, part great Indian dingo, and my mother swears (she does swear a lot), that we’ve got some flamingo blood as well. You see, the occasional migratory bird is known to dally with other species. Anyway I’ve been told by the two humans I talk to, to help bring all us animals together by writing a column. The two humans, one an ugly out-of-work actor and non-practising geologist called Cyrus, and the other a friendly but highly confused chap called Abodh, believe I can be instrumental in spreading peace.

Yeah, peace! You human monkeys really don’t get that do you? Arabs and Israel, Sierra Leone, India, Pak, the erstwhile Yugoslavia, Leander Paes and Bhupathi. No you just don’t get it. It’s pretty clear that you have a much better shot at peace with dogs, cure humans with humans is one big catastrophic failure. You guys have far too fragile egos and highly acquisitive natures, and Oh God, how you thrive on fake emotions. I saw a bit of “Kya yahi pyar hai”, and found it putrid. I got indigestion for a week.

Anyhow back to my point, I am through this column going to try and bring all types of humans and all kinds of dogs together. I am going to try and get you people to understand us and vice versa. I’ve been a street dog all my life, and I’ve had many run-ins with humans. I still don’t eat at or attend weddings of BMC officials and their families.

And yup, I find far too many humans walk past us and scream with fear. Do you have any idea how scary you all look?

Oh, and as for the stone-throwers, well every time you throw a stone at an innocent animal you are assuring yourself of bad karma, very bad karma. And I don’t just mean the stuff they play on MTV.

This is my introduction for now. I’ll end all my pieces with a small poem.

“The Spaniel next door is beautiful,
With tail and fur so free,
His eyes lit up like the devil’s
Yet he lifts up his leg to pee.”

Peace to all. Until my next article. Dog bye!

(The views expressed here belong entirely to Sandy, who is gravely concerned about the delusions of the human race. WSD and the editorial staff do not subscribe to these views – at least not overtly!!)